Monday, August 16, 2010

Confession of a Dying Man

Deathbed Lying on my bed I can hear the call of the death angel that he is closing distance on me and soon my soul will leave this ephemeral existence. I am feeling so powerless in entirety, that I can not even put my fingers in my ears to stops these voices. I know, my breaths are limited and there are so many things left incomplete, but now the only important thing is to seek forgiveness from GOD so that I die in peace.  BUT

Instances of my past life pass rapidly from my retired but still conscious mind and all that is going though my mind is, “Alas! too many years that i lived, did no good deeds how will i face God, i don’t know where did the world go wrong for me.” I am still not believing that my time has come , Can this be some sort of error at God’s end, may be I am dreaming and I swear that as soon as i get up I promise to leave all my bad deeds… i promise God… end this Crazy dream for me…
People have surrounded me, all waiting for my last breaths to end, my son at the bed post, daughter with eyes filled with tears, where are my brother and sister?, there are few whom I fail to recognize probably I have lost my memory, but how am i able to recall the acts that I did years back… “God! please end this surmounting terror either end this dream or take my soul away”
My hands do not have strength to write, i want to speak but my time has made me mute else i would yell out loud SORRY to every one whom i caused pain and misery but seems its too late now. Oh God! I am crying with all the sincerity and forgiveness for my sins, i confess i am afraid of dying, i am sorry that i believed that my life was never going to end.
There sits that religious person, reading some holy verses, that i never heard or read in my life. What they usually wish for the dying man means, “may God be with you” and prayers that the process where my soul leaves my body is pain free while all i want to question is why is he using “may” why not “God will be with you”.

I suddenly recall a religious friend’s statement that:

Leading our life righteously in mundane affairs of this world is just like sitting in an exam to get qualified for the world after, and the plus thing is that God has already leaked the paper out him self in the holy books. The candidates who have prepared well solve the answers while the unprepared look here and there.

I curse myself of making fun of his love with theology and metaphor of qualifying for the world here after. I ruined my sanity, power, youth, wealth, relations for all the wrong reasons and now i am afraid to go in to my new apartment of 6ft x 2ft with no worldly facilities and my wealth cannot decorate it for my comfort.  

Alas! I never learnt from the dying experiences of others.

The Link above is of  "Heaven: Our Enduring Fascination with the Afterlife", by Lisa Miller

Miller describes most directly what she believes: "If God is love, and heaven is where God lives, then heaven exists in the love between people -- and between people and God." Who wouldn't want to dwell perennially in love, whether in this world or another? 

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